66. Who Is the Homebrewing Simulator For?
I survived playing Brewmaster to help you decide if you should, too; plus, it's sPoOkY sZn so The Devil is here.
I Played Brewmaster, for Journalism
It was actually my husband, and not a Beer Person nor a beer-related article or even tweet that alerted me to the existence of a homebrewing simulator game a couple of weeks ago. Immediately I wondered, “Who is this for?”
In your early days forging your path into the beer world as anything beyond a drinker and fan, I think, for many of us, it seems like brewing will have to be a part of the equation. Either you’re going to try to be a professional brewer, or you’ll do something else you’ve been seeing in your beer-drinking life, like manage a taproom, but if you really love craft beer, you’ll homebrew, right? This is a point frequently made here in this newsletter, but it takes getting exposed to the thankfully growing visibility of different beer careers to learn just how varied existing in this arena can be. You can be a scientist, a writer, an artist, a lawyer—and you never have to brew a fucking drop of beer. Sure, it absolutely helps to learn and understand and stay brushed up on the process—depending on what you do end up deciding to do, that’s necessary—but if you don’t want to homebrew, and you’re not trying to go pro as a brewer, you can study beer, explore it, know it, love it, report on it, sell it, etc. without being fully hands-on on the reg.
I’ve joked that I realized I never want to homebrew after taking a homebrewing class at beloved NYC institution Bitter & Esters. The joke is that that obviously sounds like a dig at the class, but it’s so very much the opposite. The classes at Bitter & Esters are fantastic, a somehow absolutely perfect balance of accessible and in-depth, never pandering or dumbing down, really diving into the intricacies of brewing, but not to the point that a beginner can’t keep up. I learned so much about brewing just from that class that I at once realized I wanted to keep learning about beer and working with it and writing about it forever, and that I 100% do not possess the patience or the at least vaguely mathy/sciencey brain one needs to homebrew half-decently and enjoy doing so.
The more I think about it, the more it does indeed strike me as a bit odd you can love a craft so deeply but never want to participate literally in it. But I’m sure plenty of you can relate. You’re here to soak in and appreciate all the genius of the people who do participate; you’re here for the stories behind the beer, to learn about the magic of the brewing science, to marvel at the creativity, to geek out on ingredients and agriculture and culture and history. Bless, I mean truly bless, the folks who want to homebrew. You’ve got to be passionate. Otherwise, holy moly, what a chore. I loathe cleaning, and I tolerate cooking sometimes, so abso-fucking-lutely not do I want to be arsed with what has always seemed to me like a lot of buying containers and lugging containers home and then storing containers and then cleaning containers and then moving containers around and then cleaning containers again.
But there are so many people to whom this is a wonderful hobby, a rejuvenating and stimulating pastime. They learn from it, they get to create this tangible thing they can share and enjoy. Honestly, I’m jealous it doesn’t appeal to me! In 2019, I went on one of the homebrew tours that Joshua M. Bernstein founded—I hope these come back someday, because seeing how different homebrewers approach their setups and getting to try their creations is an intriguing, top-notch experience—and it inspired me to write about the lengths to which homebrewers in New York are willing to go, putting up with the very limited space we have here and channeling their inner MacGyver to make what they want to work, well, work. And this is my point: homebrewers gotta homebrew, you know? They love it, and so they’ll figure out how to do it whatever the circumstances.
That, friends, is the very reason I wonder who Brewmaster, the homebrewing simulator, is for. If you are interested in homebrewing, you homebrew. Do you have time to do a computerized version of homebrewing which yields exactly zero beer at the end to make the whole process truly worth it? And if you’re not interested in homebrewing, then you don’t homebrew, and you’re almost certainly not interested in pretending to on your computer. I mean, have you heard about…books…or puzzles…?
So, I played it. I paid $16.99 for you! (Lol please support this newsletter please.) I wanted to get to the bottom of why you would simulate homebrewing. I had a theory that Brewmaster might be a great educational tool. After playing, I’m more confident in the assertion that learning stuff would be the one major worthwhile takeaway in playing the game. And, I’m also more confident that I do not have the patience to homebrew—like, catastrophically so.
Oh, and one more thing: taking in the lovely design of the home in which you brew in Brewmaster is maybe worth playing for, too. Look at this airy, modern pad, no doubt in Portland. Let’s push up the sleeves of our Patagonia fleeces, crank up the volume on The Mountain Goats, and get started.
Considering I am in fact claiming here that I played Brewmaster for journalism, it’s a pretty big red flag that I forgot to note what beer I actually chose to brew. You get a choice of two beers as a first-time player. I blame this carelessness on my incompetence as a gamer (gaming, brewing, is there nothing I am not bad at?!). I also got my game set up and then had to go do something else, so when I returned the next day to actually start the brew, I decided that “what am I brewing?” is an exciting mystery to try to solve based on the ingredients and process.
I also, apparently, chose to do an extract brew, which the game recommends for newbies—makes sense.
So, you use your mouse and keyboard to move around this pristine (too pristine, maybe, more like “serial-killer-sparse”) home and because you’re a first-time player, a tutorial guides you on where to go and what step to do at each point. As instructed, I get a pot and fill it with water. The faucet pours in real time and this is the first run-in with my non-existent patience; getting to 25 liters is excruciating and I jump at the option to speed up time with this weird watch feature. I crank it up to 100x, mourning the loss of the already too precious time we have here on this earth, and woops, the pot overflows. I scramble and pound random keys until the sink shuts off.
Next we’ve got to boil the water, while it’s heating up, I follow orders to retrieve my malt extract. I get a choice of two and pick the amber extract. It’s here that the pop-up info windows start to make me think this game actually might be helpful if you’re just getting to know the brewing/homebrewing process. See here: more helpful info on the steeping grains I’m commanded to fetch next. I choose Crystal, because I’m assuming I’m brewing something along the lines of an amber ale (I’m ruling out most lager options because it feels like a lager would be more challenging for a first-time player?)
The stat window that tracks all changes throughout all the steps feels super helpful. It really drives home that this simulator could be a really solid way to learn about brewing even if you don’t really plan to go all in on irl homebrewing. Although, it might be more beneficial if you were, say, watching someone play this who knows wtf they’re doing. Like, is it normal how much water is boiling off right now? Or how dark the beer is—why is what I’m telling myself in order to stay sane is an amber ale at 51 SRM? (These questions are not rhetorical, by the way, I welcome homebrewsplainers!)
I’m supposed to let my Crystal steep in the boil for an hour but this, folks, is where my deranged amber ale(??) really goes off the rails. The impatience strikes again and this time I crank the watch feature up to make time go 200x faster, like I’m Brian O’Conner prematurely pumping the NOS just to feel alive, man. We rocket, and I mean rocket past an hour, hitting two-and-a-half hours before I scramble toward the right buttons to slow the watch back down, exit the feature, and begin lowering the heat. (See? Bad at gaming.) More than double the amount of time for the boil just cannot be good for my maybe-amber ale.
Next is fermentation, and according to this screenshot (I left this for a few days and came back to it), I apparently chose a British mild ale yeast even though I had a suspicion I was making an amber ale. What am I up to? You can also play god here and use a calendar feature to skip to 15 days passed. Once it’s fermented, I’m instructed to grab conditioning sugar, and then transfer the beer to a plastic barrel with a tube, which I find the most confounding part of the game. The controls for the actual tube connection feel finicky, but honestly that’s probs a me problem.
I blip existence another 20 days, mini-Thanos style, and it’s time to try my beer! Mmm, if only I could literally drink this over-boiled, undoubtedly astringent-enough-to-remove-paint, almost definitely contaminated amber mild ale!
Here’s where things get wild.
When you “taste” the beer, you start getting stats, and instead of telling you you completely shit the bed on the style you chose in the beginning of the game, it just evaluates the garbage juice you made and decides what style it now could be. Free-form jazz brewing! Improv brewing! This is how Del Close would brew, baby! We don’t play by no stinking rules, we throw stuff in a pot, we do a little dance, we let that beer tell us what it wants to be! Who are WE to define our baby beer???
What would you guess I brewed by this? I’m starting to think it’s an English mild base on the yeast profile (that I chose, duh), even if the entire finished product is maybe a bit too sweet. Also 1.3 “off” seems generous. I have to start cutting screenshots for length purposes, but the ABV is 3.6% (okay, still on track-ish for a mild), and it’s got 59 IBUS (there goes that).
72% foreign extra stout? 63% Scottish heavy? 57% British strong ale? 54% American porter? 53% American goddamned IPA? What have I done? Unable to endure the aspect of the being I had created, I rushed out of the room, and continued a long time traversing my bed-chamber, unable to compose my mind to sleep. (Okay, that last part is from Frankenstein.)
At this point, you’re told you can go to the front door to start a new season and therefore a new brew. Being told you’re allowed to leave the house now is…something, especially because when you get to the door you can’t actually go anywhere, you just see there’s your new issue of Brewers’ Quarterly. Dark! I didn’t know about this twisted kidnapping aspect of the game and now I feel weird! Anyway, you get to flip through the magazine to read and choose recipes, and that brings me to my final conclusion.
I still don’t totally know or understand who the f needs this game. Again, you homebrew irl or you don’t and so have no interest in this. BUT, I do 100% think it’s got something going on the education front. 17 bucks to mess around and learn about ingredients and processes? Idk, this could even be a helpful little Cicerone study material? I don’t think it’s helpful for anyone that instead of giving me feedback on where I so very clearly went so very wrong on this first brew, it told me I was sorta kinda six different beers so, go me (everyone gets a trophy!). However, I have a feeling that’s just for the newbies, and it would presumably get more intense and therefore more helpful and educational as you continue to brew. I don’t know if this would be fun for anyone (but also maybe it would, idk your life), but I would cautiously recommend for some learning.
Beer Tarot!
This week, I pulled my self-portrait The Devil.
The Devil speaks to addiction, restriction, sexuality, and your darker impulses, or the side of yourself you might recognize as darker, which this card warns could be holding you back from being your best self. The Devil often comes up at a turning point in your life, where some habit or relationship or situation was offering you lots of short-term pleasure, but suddenly it doesn’t feel so hot anymore or you’ve realized some real consequences, and you have already started to or want to move away from that habit/relationship/situation and toward a healthier, happier, more fulfilling path. The Devil is also known for showing up to encourage you, if you’re feeling like, yeah, this thing or person or whatever is no good for you, but you probably can’t change your situation—The Devil wants you to know you can, and even if it’s a hard journey, it’s worth it; you’re worth it. To be clear, I don’t know if the devil would be so wholesome and encouraging, but The Devil tarot card is.
So, The Devil wants you to face your demons head on. It wants you to know that there is a good life on the other side of this, and you deserve that outcome. Start by owning up to things, and don’t forget to remind yourself of all your good qualities and the things you like about yourself. You matter, you’re great, and you are fucking worth the work of getting your life into the gear you want.
Naturally, if it’s some moderation and/or a pause for reflection you’re after, The Devil marks a good time to highlight some NA beer. Considering the oh-so-devilish season right now and the fact I am unabashedly in favor of pumpkin beer, let’s shout out Athletic’s Dark & Gourdy. Or, if that’s not where your journey lies—or maybe you’re on the track that The Devil a bit less frequently speaks to, which is getting more in touch with your (relatively) wild side, then, hey: Victory’s classic Hopdevil IPA.
This Week’s Boozy Media Rec
It’s been a popular read so maybe you don’t need me to tell you about it, but I’m going to anyway because it was equal parts fun and truly interesting: Jerard Fagerberg’s “The Brazilian Art of Drinking a Beer ‘In the Ass’” for The Takeout. Read, learn, enjoy, and elevate your lager enjoyment.
Ex-BEER-ience of the Week
I’m trying to keep this short because all those darned screengrabs I felt compelled to use to really immerse you in Brewmaster are making this issue un-inbox-friendly, and because I may write about this in greater length next week, but I visited Bell’s Brewery this week and got to do a hop rub, participate in a dry-hop of Two Hearted, and drink a Hopslam plucked right off the canning line. It was the freshest kind of hop paradise—I can honestly still smell and taste it.
Until next week, here is Darby and her friend Harley on Harley’s first subway ride.
